Have you ever lost a friend?

What did you do afterwards ?

Hello, my good internet friends! How are you?

For me, the past three weeks have been tough. I'm usually a very optimistic and strong-willed person, but the events of those weeks brought me to my knees. I was consistently plagued by carefully designed strokes of bad luck here and there, that I spent a good part of the previous month laughing outwardly while wallowing in sadness I couldn't fully understand inwardly.

I recently watched Philips Obosi's YouTube video where he talked about battling depression. He stated that happiness isn't a state (something that happens naturally) but a decision. That at every point, life presents us with opportunities to be happy or sad. And to be happy, we have to acknowledge the cause of the depression/sadness, fully embrace it and yet, still consciously choose to be happy.

I decided to do just that: look inwards and try to get to the core of my sadness. I realized that all carefully orchestrated strokes of back luck that have dropped in my path weren't necessarily the cause of the deep sadness I was experiencing. They were simply waves that forced the ship to lose its anchor, causing it to sink into the deep ocean.

I found that the deep sadness I was experiencing was a result of past events — some minor, some major, like loss.

There's the loss of my father, the way he was abruptly taken away without even so much as a goodbye. They say time heals, but in reality, it doesn't — at least not in the case of the death of a loved one. Time only buries the pain deep down in a hole where it isn't easily accessible. Yet, when you dig deep, you find that the pain is still there, albeit with the same intensity with which it has always existed.

But that's not the loss I want to talk about today. Truthfully, I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about it, at least not coherently, cause it hurts so deep.

The loss I want to talk about today is the loss of friendship. I've had this friend for, say, three years now. The circumstances around our meeting were quite complicated, but we slowly evolved into a good friendship. This friend was one of the few people I could talk to about anything, my career, love life, family, or just anything.

But recently, this friend did something that I just never expected. Can't narrate it here, but it hurt so deeply. I felt outrightly disrespected and taken for granted because I let myself be vulnerable. 

Since then, this friend has reached out (severally) to apologize and mend things (after like a month of us not speaking to each other and them not apologizing earlier). Yet, we still haven't gotten back to being friends.

In all sincerity, I miss this friend. I want to forgive, to move on, and for things to go back to how they were before. But, the offending act was more like a pattern. The recent occurrence was simply the straw that broke the camel's back. 

Still, I miss how much they got me, our inside jokes and all. But, I don't think things will ever go back to how they were before. I feel like I have lost them as a friend forever (too early to conclude ?). Believe me, I have tried, but I just don't think I'll ever be able to see them the same way, and for that, I am deeply sad. 

Have you ever lost a friend? What did you do? How did it feel? 

Anyway, I really do hope you're doing good and that things are going well for you. But, if they're not (just like they haven't for me for a while), I hope you find the strength and courage to choose to be happy. 

Remember, you matter. Your feelings matter. 

Till I write you next time,

Love & Light from your internet aunty :)

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Some asides:

- Derin organized a weekend trip to Ibadan for a few friends and me, which she wrote about here. If you ever plan to visit Ibadan, you should read that article for some life-saving tips.

- Remember the giveaway I mentioned the last time I wrote? I'm finally getting around to it. I'd like want to buy two people (one newsletter subscriber and one random Twitter follower) a book of their choosing to read. So go ahead and tell me whatever book you want and why. I'll pick winners at the end of the new week. P.S. If you know me personally, you are not eligible for this offer 😅